by Xypher Pino

Graduation season serves as a celebration of accomplishments and an opportunity to reflect on experiences. This time of year often sparks joyful emotions, but the sentimental attachment we have with our memories can sometimes bring about melancholic feelings and uncertainty for what is to come next.

Fortunately, I have one more year at Greensboro College before I graduate, and my time here has been nothing but amazing. Still, I cannot help but feel directionless as we head towards the summer and into next school year. Fespite everything I have done and been involved in at our campus, I feel empty and unfulfilled, which is quite opposite of how I usually feel when the end of the school year arrives. Typically, as I reflect on the year, I experience happiness and genuine excitement for what is to come. Regardless of how everything actually went, I come out feeling confident and better about myself. This time around, though, I feel fear because for seemingly the first time, I am uncertain about my desires in life.

I doubt that the ventures I involved myself with this school year contribute to the way I am feeling now, as when looking back at those experiences, I still feel the same gratefulness for being given such wonderful opportunities. Without a doubt, I still have a clear love and passion for things I am a part of here at GC; these contribute to my future career goals which I also still have no questions about. I think the disconnect and my bleak mindset comes when I start thinking about the relationships I have had through the years.

I believe long-term connections are very fruitful and can be overall beneficial, but it heavily depends upon timing and context. One of the things I have learned about myself during my time at GC is that new experiences energize me motivate me. This is why, in every opportunity I am given, I always give it my all. In high school, I was quite the opposite and it is very interesting to see myself go from a huge introvert to someone constantly looking for the next opportunity to interact with others.

However, when the main people currently involved in my life are ones that I formed relationships with when I was a completely different person, it becomes hard to remain connected to those people, and when the foundation of your life begins to crumble away, everything can become a lot worse.

I have become overly dependent on certain people in my life, specifically those I connected with before college. These individuals greatly contributed to my character at the time and were, without a doubt, a solid part of what kept my life together. Over the years, people who I planned to have life-long relationships with have chosen different paths and walked away from me for one reason or another, and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain a solid persona in the present as a result, but even harder to maintain a positive outlook for the future.

Some of my relationships that have fizzled out over the years surprisingly have been to my own benefit. When I reflect on my experiences with these people, all of the memories I made seem to be wasted effort and meaningless; how can I tell what is genuine or not? I like to think of myself as a very blunt and respectfully honest person, and all I ask for is the same energy in return.

In most cases, whenever I lose a connection with someone I really care about, it is outside of my control. Sometimes we do have a choice though, to decide to completely let go of the person or to keep powering through. Each option has pros and cons, but what both have in common is the risk associated with making the decision. A leap of faith must be taken regardless, and it takes confidence and strong belief in yourself to make these tough decisions. Personally, this is when relationships become extremely difficult to deal with – it is one thing to lose someone because they essentially decided that they no longer wanted you to be part of their life, but it is a different thing when it is your choice.

You might assume that, as a person who absolutely loves new experiences and enjoys the thrill of seeking out opportunities, that I would naturally be a risk-taker as well, so making these leaps of faith should be easy. On the contrary, there is nothing that scares me more than not being able to predict what could happen. I dislike uncertainty and not having any clue what happens next, and this especially applies when evaluating my relationships.

I think this is where my problem lies – I do not know what the next steps are; I do not know how to move forward. As a result, I cannot make decisions about my current situation – all I have been doing is hoping that I can keep pushing through and just let my instincts take me where they take me, but doing this has taken a toll. It has been so long since I last felt free and unchained. Occasionally, I am reminded what it feels like to be unburdened from my relationships, and I truly do long for that feeling again. It is strange to me that the relationships that once made my life so fun and enjoyable, are now the same ones that break me down and make everything much tougher.

There is nothing I think that anyone can do in this situation either – no radical change in personality or behavior changes the fact that those involved just have to make a decision. Unfortunately, I do not have the courage to do anything. I do not have the confidence to take risks. This is one thing I have learned, reflecting on my time at Greensboro College, and it has been the main cause of my recent feelings of dismay.

Who really knows though – whatever the reason for my turmoil is, whether it is simply the end of semester blues or confusion on my personal understanding about myself, I encourage you all, especially those walking across the stage soon, to truly take the time to examine your chapter here at Greensboro College – think about how much you have changed over the years and consider what your inner self truly yearns for. No one has it all figured out, even those that portray such a strong self-assured image of themselves. Sit down, be vulnerable and let it all out – only by introspection can we hope to learn about ourselves, and knowing who you are and what you want can give you the confidence to take the next step and be the best person you can be for the rest of your life.